1. Most Blues begin with "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a BAD was to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line-"I got a god woman with the meanest dog in town."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."
4. The Blues are NOT about limitless choices.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a south bound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: Violet, beige, mauve, taupe and peach.
9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.
10.. Good places for the Blues; the highway, the jail house, and empty bed.
11. Bad places for the Blues; Kmart, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons.
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if your first name is a southern state--like Georgia, you're blind, you shot a man in Memphis, or you can't be satisfied.
14. Neither Julio Inglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. EVER.
15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it is the Blues. Other Blues beverages are; malt liquor, Irish whiskey, muddy water, one bourbon, one scotch and one beer. Blues beverages are NOT; any mixed drink, any kosher Passover wine, or Yoo Hoo (all flavors).
16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shot-gun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a Blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.
17. Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie.
18. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Junior, Lightning. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Other Blues names (mix and match starter kit): name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic), first name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.) last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore. etc.)
NOW YOU ARE READY TO SING THE BLUES!!!!!